If i could go back 20 years… this is what i’d tell my new-mother self about time off

Yesterday, my assistant, who has an almost 2yo, said they were starting preschool this fall. Three hours of preschool, three days a week.

And so my assistant would have about two hours (after driving time) to herself three days a week to get caught up with all of the things she isn’t doing, like work or household chores. She mentioned perhaps washing a dish. This is where I got triggered.

I remember those days. 20 years ago I had a kid. And felt that I never was able to ‘catch up’, ever.

So, I advised my assistant with something I haven’t realized for 20 years. And I wished I’d done. Take those hours (6 a week) and take them for yourself. Spend some down time. Relax, read, have drinks with a friend, take a nap, look at the sky, do nothing. Or do whatever the heck you want to do in the moment with that time. Go to a store and wander the aisles. Watch a show on tv. Seriously, every parent, every human, deserves six hours a week to be free to make wholly your own choices.

But here’s the rub. It’s hard. Really hard, because it’s nearly impossible.

I wish I knew 20 years ago that the secret sauce is in the trying the attempts to do this so called ‘relaxing’ that matters most. And that failure, epic failure, is a part of it. When you are out with friends, I always thought I could return to my pre-baby self and forget the world.

But, in reality, I was thinking of my kid during those hours, all the other things on my perpetual ‘todo’ list. No one told me (and, most importantly, I didn’t tell myself) that that is okay. It’s okay to be in a place trying to decompress with thoughts racing in my head about all the other things I need to do. Because being there is the first step to that happening.

Showing up, even if not there entirely in mind, you are there in body. And if something feels good about it…one laugh, one deep breath, inside of those two hours, then it will have been worth it. Getting all the things on the ‘todo’ list doesn’t end. It’s like a stock market ticker tape with no closing bell. That’s life, it keeps ticking. So, only you can step away, bring your kid to preschool, and sit in the car for two hours if you want to.

Being able to decompress into relaxation in the span of two hours on any given day, after nearly two years of 24/7 caring for another, doesn’t happen. It can’t, the mind doesn’t shift that fast, nor should it.

But, sitting still anyway, making that space of nothing anyway, going for coffee with friends and talking about your kids even if they are at preschool, is part of the process of decompression, of relaxation, of escape, that we all need as humans.

So, 20 years later, I realize this. Maybe that’s how it’s supposed to be, or maybe I’m a slow learner. But I’m applying this concept now, in my career, in my life. When the ‘todo’ list grows, I attempt to make those few hours in my schedule. I pick and choose, I rest. At least I try to, I attempt. And it’s working.

My wish is that any young parent and any professional reading this is inspired to take just one deep breath right now, and feel the result.

Then keep going with these attempts. The rest stuff, the ‘me’ stuff, the time stuff, it matters.